Most parents in America have had to suffer through the annual experience of taking their child to the local mall to see Santa Claus. The lines are long, your kid never smiles in the picture, and there's always at least one kid crying. Through all of it, we've forgotten about what the people who dress up as Santa have to go through.
Let me tell you right now: their job isn't easy. A Reddit thread asked people who have played the part of Santa to share their weird, funny, and heartbreaking experiences, and it is eye-opening.
One Kid Expected Santa To Slaughter His Reindeer For Him
This Reddit user was an elf who takes photos of Santa and the kids, and overheard one child ask Santa for some reindeer sausage. I guess the kid figured Santa had to fulfill his Christmas wishes and would be willing to cut Rudolph in pieces to do it.
Realistically, the kid might be Scandinavian, where reindeer meat is a popular food. But it could also be a child from the middle of Ohio who just got an idea that they wanted to taste a bite of Rudolph.
I'd Be Concerned If A Kid Asked For A Vacuum And A Rope
When a kid asked for a vacuum and a rope, one Santa gave their parents a pretty weird look. It's a strange combination, but it's more innocent than you'd think.
Apparently, the kid absolutely loves to vacuum the house. He would even get mad if anyone else did it. And he wanted the rope to tie their wagon to the back of their bike. Presumably so he could vacuum the entire neighborhood?
A Child Asked For A Full Bag Of "Wiggly Rice"
Kids have wild imaginations, so when one kid hopped up on a mall Santa's lap and asked for a bag of "wiggly rice," it could have meant anything. Unfortunately, when Santa asked the kid what he meant, he said that "he ate some off a piece of chicken he found in the backyard."
Maggots. This kid was eating maggots and loved it. We don't even know what we can say without getting physically sick thinking about it.
One Kid To Rule Them All
Apparently, some kids take fantasy really seriously, because one Reddit user said that their son asked the local mall Santa for Sauron's ring. This kid was only four years old, and he was already plotting how to take over Middle Earth.
This little kid was willing to lose his sanity just to have a taste of power. He'll most likely be a CEO one day (if he isn't one already).
Moms Love Santa As Much As The Kids
According to multiple Santas online, the moms can be worse than the kids. Many of them whisper inappropriate comments to Santa and flirt with him while their kids are sitting on his lap.
Almost every Santa who talked about it happening said that it was extremely uncomfortable. Watch out ladies, Mrs. Claus has you on her radar now. And you definitely don't want to tick off the wife of the guy who hands out all those presents.
Some Kids Just Want To Watch The World, And Their Sibling, Burn
One Reddit user is a firefighter who takes part in their fire department's visit around the neighborhood. At one house, he asked the daughter what she wanted for Christmas. She looked over at her mother who was pregnant at the time and said 'I want the baby to die."
How would you even react to that one? It's the perfect example of a time when it's best to just change the subject... or run.
Asking For A "Boy Toy" Is Not What You Think
When a little girl gets on Santa's lap and asks for a boy toy, it's not surprising that Santa might be a little taken aback. Santa isn't in the business of pimping out elves.
Luckily, the little girl's mother stepped in to clarify that she wanted "boy" toys like a truck. If gender roles didn't exist then this mess up wouldn't have happened, and kids could ask for whatever they wanted without raising eyebrows.
A Lot Of Kids Ask Santa For The Basics
It's sad to realize that a lot of kids believe Santa will finally bring them what their parents can't give them. One Reddit user shared a story of a kid who wanted a Matchbox car. The kid tried to save up for the Matchbox car himself, but his mom would sneak into his room and steal his pocket change to buy cigarettes.
How did the kid bust his mom, and did she apologize? Maybe Santa shamed her into giving the money back.
Being The Santa To Visit Kids In The Hospital Can Be Heartbreaking
We can't even imagine how hard it would be to go around a hospital and bring joy to kids who might be terminally ill. One Santa had a heartbreaking experience when a girl asked for her old dog to be brought back as a zombie so that when the little girl died, they could stay together as zombies.
It's kind of hard not to think of the Rainbow Bridge poem when you hear this one. We're not crying, you're crying.
How Would You Feel If Your Six-Year-Old Asked For Boobs?
Most parents would be shocked to hear their six-year-old daughter asking Santa for "boobs like mom," and so was one Santa. But when you think about it, the child is at the age where they start to idolize their parents and want to be just like them.
Sometimes that means trying on their makeup, and sometimes that means wishing for puberty to hit. Slow down there, you'll grow up soon enough! Sheesh.
If You Think Your Kid Doesn't Realize You're Sleeping Naked, You're Wrong
One kid decided that instead of toys or sports equipment, they would ask Santa to get his parents some pajamas because "they don't wear any."
I want to hope that the parents sleep commando and the kid has noticed, but it's more likely that the kid walked in on the parent's "alone time." And the parents were most likely a little mortified that their child let the entire mall know about it.
A Giant Squid Will Definitely Fit In The Goldfish's Tank
One kid decided to dream big and hope that Santa had access to some impressive marine life. They asked for a live octopus or a shark. When Santa said he wasn't sure if the elves could build that, the kid agreed to settle for a giant squid instead.
How giant was the squid that Santa promised, and were the parents in on it? Maybe it was a stuffed squid... we hope.
The Best Buy Idea Box Is Kind Of Like Santa
The Best Buy Box was this tacky mascot that showed up at your local Best Buy stores around the holiday season. They weren't meant to be like Santa, but one Reddit user said that a lot of kids would tell him what they wanted for Christmas.
One kid stood out by saying he wanted to kick the Best Buy Box in the crotch for Christmas. And yes, the Reddit user let the kid do it.
Every Kid Wants The Incredible Power Of The Easter Bunny
The Easter Bunny usually freaks kids out, but some of them walk right up and talk to it like it's Santa Claus. One Reddit user who played the Easter Bunny said that a kid wanted to "poop chocolate eggs like you."
It's kind of gross, but a neverending supply of chocolate eggs would be awesome. Ah, we just wish we could be a fly on the wall when Santa answered this one.
Clown Masks Are The Only Gift That's Off Limits
A four-year-old asked Santa for a clown mask, and even though it could be totally innocent, it's still creepy. The 2016 clown sightings really messed us all up. After you hear about people being chased by clowns in the forest or followed at night, it changes how you see clowns.
But perhaps this child wasn't glued to the news and simply wanted to dress up as a friendly clown to entertain the neighborhood children.
We're All Used To Kids Asking For A Pony, But What About Stuff To Kill A Pony
One Reddit user admitted that when he was young, his sister asked Santa for a pony. We're not sure if he had a grudge against his sister, but he then went up and asked Santa for a bottle of rat poison to kill the pony.
Being the younger sibling isn't easy, but this kid took it too far. Play pranks on your sister all you want, but leave the ponies alone, dude!
This Kid Might Have Been Trying To Scam Their Way Into More Toys
One kid asked a mall Santa "What happens to all the dead kids' toys?" and I'm not sure if that's morbid or not. They could be asking because they have a caring heart and want every kid to get the toys they deserve.
Or they could be asking to see if they can get more toys for themselves. I suppose it depends on how they reacted to whatever it was that Santa responded with.
Everyone Deserves A Shiney New Bread Machine
While some kids have a long list of toys they want, others are a bit more simple. One kid who has mild autism asked Santa for a new bread machine, and he wasn't kidding. Apparently, his favorite possession was his current bread machine, but he saw videos on YouTube about new ones with cooler functions.
I dunno, there's nothing weird about this one apart from the kid's age. Who doesn't love a homemade loaf of bread?
Sometimes The Santas Are Weirder Than The Kids
It's not always the kids who are strange. One Reddit user worked as an elf on the Santa set and had to stop their Santa from bringing homemade coal to give out to kids. The kids would always start crying when they got coal, but they had to try and seize the bags before Santa began his shift.
Hey, maybe Santa should start an Etsy shop for his handmade coal! Then again, that's probably already a thing.
One Dad Tried To Tell Their Kid Santa Isn't Real
One Reddit user decided to dress up as Santa for Halloween and hand out candy in costume. When one kid walked up to his house, his dad said: "remember, that's not the real Santa."
To get back at this fun-sucking dad, the Reddit user pulled out a special toy truck from his bag and gave it to the kid. Which just goes to prove that Christmas can be magical any time of the year.