Not to put a damper on your mood, but we’re all going to die. Kind of like your annual prostate exam if you’re over the age of 50, there’s just no way around it. There’s a lot about life that’s out of your control, but one thing that you can control is how you’re remembered.
The writing on your tombstone is kind of like your last tweet or Facebook status. Space is limited and you only have a few characters to sum up the legacy you want to leave behind. Sometimes it’s an unfortunate surname that’s enough to make you giggle, while other times it’s the hilariously sad wordplay about being dead. Nonetheless, it’s semi-appropriate laughter at these incredibly funny tombstones that will make the idea of death seem more, uh, fun?
The Force Is Strong With This One
Fun Death Fact: Dead bodies often swell up after about four days due to gases and liquids released because of something called autolysis. This stage of the decomposing is called “bloat”. It takes a dead body four days to bloat? Heck, give me 10 minutes at an all you can eat Sushi restaurant and I’ll be bloated for the entire week.
Anyways, this is a Star Wars fans dream tombstone and it’s easy to see why. Yoda is kind of like the God figure in the sci-fi movies, so to have him looking over your grave would be comforting.
Who Is Merv Griffin?
Fun Merv Griffin Fact: Merv sang the iconic song “I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts” which sold three million copies in 1950. He also wrote the “Thinking Music” for the game show Jeopardy in 90 seconds. Merv’s entire life is impressive because not only did he have a talk show on the air for 21 years, he also invented Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.
His marble slab is a perfect description of who he is and the legacy he left. It’s a punchy entertainment joke that mocks his classic line “I’ll be right back after this message”. Merv was a trendsetter in the entertainment industry and that trendsetting didn’t stop after he died.
A Special Kind Of Brother
Fun Death Fact: 55.3 million people a year pass away, which equals out to 151,600 people a day, 6,316 an hour, which is about two people a second. If you actually take a second to think about those numbers it’s quite astonishing. To put it in perspective, that’d be like all of California dropping dead in a year PLUS another 15 million.
Ralph and Roger Butt probably had quite the childhood wielding that unfortunate surname. In fact, it was probably a real pain in the you-know-what to be known as the Butt brothers.
Fun Death Fact: In any given second, more than twice as many people are born compared to those who die. Our population increases by about 1.1% each year, which equals out to be a surplus of almost 75 million people.
Oh, the classic “I told you so” plastered on this tombstone. In all fairness to this person’s family and friends, about 177,000 Americans will go to the doctor today and have absolutely nothing wrong with them. They just think they’re sick so they may have thought nothing of it. Unfortunately for B.P Roberts, they weren’t in that 177,000.
That’s It, That’s All
Fun Death Fact: On some bodies, a waxy substance called “adipocere” forms in the first couple of days after death. It’s also known as “corpse wax” and can help preserve a body for years. It would be one thing to find a dead body, it would be a completely different thing to find a dead body that is covered in a waxy substance that gives flashbacks to the movie Wax House starring Paris Hilton.
Mel Blanc had his or her last curtain call, did the final bow and hit the home run with this tombstone. Let’s also not forget that Mel was born in 1908, which was the year that the Ford Model T was created. No relevance to this tombstone at all just thought you should know.
Fun Death Fact: Rigor Mortis, which is the stiffening of the body, sets in about three to four hours after death. This stage of death is usually one of the most noticeable as every limb in the corpse gets hard.
This is some dedication to get your favorite t-shirt set engraved onto your tombstones. The completely fabricated backstory of this couple goes like this: Janice and Don were high school sweethearts from Louisville, Kentucky. They have three kids, two of which are estranged because Don and Janice wouldn’t stop wearing their “I’m with stupid” t-shirts. The end.
This Is Comforting
Fun Death Fact: There are animals that don’t die from old age — the jellyfish and a certain type of flatworm. There are jellyfish that are seen to be immortal in the sense that as soon they suffer any physical damage they just shed their old cells and replace them with younger ones.
This tombstone opens up more questions than it answers. Who was Robert Clay Allison? A serial killer? Just a plain old murderer? We need answers. Could he come back from the dead and take care of anyone who thinks that pineapple deserves to be on pizza? We need to know.
Fun Death Fact: Humans have been burying their dead for over 200,000 years. The first suspected grave site was in Spain. People started getting buried six feet under when the Lord Mayor of London thought that depth would be enough to limit the transfer of the plague. Plagues were very popular back then.
Everyone has faults, and everyone has imperfections. But everyone knows someone who will argue till their skin turns blue about something that’s borderline irrelevant. They won’t lose the argument because they’re never wrong no matter how far off their logic is.
A Shocking Tombstone
Fun Death Fact: Only about 93.5% of humans have died. With an estimated 100 billion people to have walked the earth, 7 billion of us remain alive. I don’t know about you but I like our odds of getting out of this thing alive.
Did you know that to become a Master Electrician it takes the same amount of time as a doctor? Probably not. Did you know that you also have to pass a color test if you want to get your electrician license? I mean, it makes sense so probably yes. Often times the only way that they would be able to tell the difference between wires is through a color coding system.
“That’s Not A Word”
Fun Death Fact: There’s something called Contard’s syndrome in which living people actually think they’re dead. Weirdly enough, this syndrome sees a spike in numbers on Sunday’s when people’s hangovers start to kick in. Okay, that’s not factually true but there has to be some sort of merit to it.
Hardcore “Scrabblers” will rejoice with this tombstone. It’s creative and really illuminates how much Paul Lind loved the game of Scrabble. Grandma’s and Grandpa’s everywhere are giving Mr. Lind a standing ovation for this masterpiece. I wonder how many wet blankets have wandered by and challenged his words on the board?
Are You Tired?
Fun Death Fact: Toenails and fingernails stop growing after death because the skin dries and contracts around them. This gives off the illusion that the nails have grown but they haven’t. That would add a whole lot more of a puke-factor if dead bodies just grew fingernails at a rapidly fast pace.
How many times have you used that saying? It’s the go-to when you don’t want someone to think that you’re falling asleep when in reality, you’re on the verge of fully passing out. Gloria wants everyone to know that she’s merely taking a quick cat nap and that rest assured, she’ll be up by the time Wheel of Fortune comes on after dinner.
Yep, I Called It
Fun Death Fact: Every year, eight out of every 1,000 people die on average. So, think of 1,000 people you know and choose the eight that you can’t stand and hope that they all sit on the wrong pinecone. Just kidding. Just let nature take its course.
George always claimed he had a special talent of predicting events happening in his life. He knew coffee would spill on his white shirt before that work presentation. He knew his fingernails would grow back in a week’s time. He, of course, knew he would eventually die. George deserved a TV show for his talent, but he knew he wasn’t going to get one of those too.
Death By Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Approximately 20% of Americans suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is a collection of symptoms like cramping, diarrhea, bloating and constipation. It’s chronic but doesn’t lead to any serious disease and has no lasting effects on any of the major organs.
Let’s hope this is a name that just has unlucky placement and isn’t the cause of death. What’s worse, getting eaten alive by sharks or dying because you can’t stop pooping? I’m going to have to say the latter because if you sit on a toilet for more than 20 minutes your legs start to go numb and it’s the worst feeling. Don’t lie, you know what I’m talking about.
Movie References Always Land
Thankfully, Micah played off of the “I see dead people” line from the movie The Sixth Sense by adding their own fun twist. It lessens the creepy factor tenfold and probably also allows this person’s family to sleep at night.
I really hope that when you die you don’t just get surrounded by dumb people. Imagine if the afterlife is actually just listening to someone struggle to read basic English out loud to a small audience? Or what if it’s just an elementary school math class where the only sound you hear is kids yelling out the wrong answers to math equations? I think I’ll pass.
Even The Devil Gets A Legacy
Fun Satan Fact: The word “Satan” actually means “adversary” or “opponent” in Hebrew. Also, Satan spelled backward is “Natas” which according to the Urban Dictionary is the act of sending a nude picture of yourself in Poland. This isn’t very relevant to the discussion at hand, but it could be an interesting dinner-time conversation with the family.
Even Satan deserves some sort of tombstone in commemoration of his seemingly short life. Who knew that he was born in the year that the Woodstock Festival and the hippie movement were prominent cultural norms. Who went to his funeral?
Coming up is the exact reason that you shouldn’t let your ex pick the quote for your tombstone.
How’d You Get This Number?
Fun Death Fact: Livor Mortis is a purple/reddish discoloration in the skin that can happen 20 minutes after death and is the result of blood settling within the body. How did Jesus get Kim’s number? When he called, what was the number that appeared? Unknown? God’s Son? Your Average Carpenter? These are all questions that we need the answers to, but only Kim really knows.
Kim looks like the kind of woman who would bake cookies for her worst enemy. She looks like the kind of person who would make telemarketers cry because when they asked her how she was she would reply, “No, how are YOU doing?” and give them a sense of belonging.
Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes
Fun Batman Fact: The name Bruce Wayne came from two historical war figures: Robert the Bruce, a Scottish war hero, and Mad Anthony Wayne, an American revolutionary war hero. The name “Batman” came from the Latin word “Bat” meaning “flying crazy creepy thing” and “Mane” meaning “a horse’s mane”. You’re too easy.
Rest in peace Bruce Wayne. The death of the wealthy philanthropist, business owner, and ultimate playboy shook the world. This is absolutely tragic. Gotham lost one of its best sons and protectors. Contrary to popular belief, Batman has actually died like 11 times in the comic books. Sorry for the spoilers.
Legacy is Everything
Fun Death Fact: Brain cells die within the first few minutes of the heart-stopping, while skin cells can survive close to 24 hours after. This is important for anyone who really cares about skin health. This means that all your hard work ensuring your skin is silky smooth actually pays off after you die.
This right here is why you should never get your ex to engrave your tombstone. First of all, is “unsharing” even a word? If you’re going to shame your ex in the afterlife at least cut deep and do it right. Things like “only showered once a week” or “ate ice cream with a fork” would’ve been much more effective.
Fun Death Fact: The reason why we die from old age is still up in the air. One theory is that most creatures die from disease and other happenings. That means evolution hasn’t adapted to the mutations that hurt us in old age.
Mitchell is not wrong. Death probably sucks. I’m sure he would rather be doing something else other than being dead. For example, he would probably rather be cleaning toilets or digging ditches than being six feet under. Death kind of sets a low bar for fun and Mitchell is sadly realizing this. He’s for sure thinking of all those moments with his in-laws that he dreaded and is longing to have those moments back.
He Lived During The Right Time
Fun Death Fact: The Zoroastrian Parsi community in India offers its dead to vultures instead of burying them. Not sure that this style of burying makes things easier on the families of the dead people. Hopefully, there isn’t a “burial” where you watch your loved one get ravaged by vultures right in front of you. That’s dark.
Thank godness Mr. Stock died in 1983 and didn’t live to see the internet because he wouldn’t havet been impressed. Social media is basically just dumb people, saying dumb things, with dumb logic. Yes, you might say that his quote isn’t grammatically correct, but we’re not here to judge.