It seems that everything these days has some sort of Hall of Fame. Like, I'm pretty sure that there's a celery eating HOF somewhere in Europe. There's definitely a hotdog eating HOF, so why isn't there an Uber driver one?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce that these are the nominations for the inaugural Uber Driver Hall of Fame. You can clap now. Without further ado, here are the nominees.
Hitting All The Stops
If you're going to be an Uber driver that has a high rating, you have to cater to many types of people. (If you've been an Uber driver yourself, you can whole-heartedly agree.) But I'm not talking about those personalities. I'm talking about phone chargers.
You have to have ALL the phone charger types available in your car. Yes, even those pesky Samsung chargers for people who brag about being "counter-culture" because they're not using Apple products.
It's Black Or White
This couldn't be any truer. There's no time in the history of getting in an Uber where your mood has been, "I'm fine with talking to my driver, or I'm fine with not." That's not how it works.
You're either sober and sitting in the backseat despite the front seat being open so that you don't have to hold a conversation. Or, you're an emotional drunk and you spill your life story. There's no in between.
Food For Your Soul
If you're smart, you're going to have snacks in your Uber. Not only is it a guaranteed five stars, but it also keeps your customers busy so that the drive seems a lot shorter than it is.
The way to ANYONE'S heart is food, let's be honest. It's almost cheating to have a stocked snack shelf in your Uber. In fact, I'd argue it should be mandatory to have at least four different types of snacks in your car at a time.
This is concerning on a lot of different levels. First of all, wherever this person was planning on going, they're certainly going to be late. Secondly, let's hope that Dinesh has one of those cars that transitions into a floating boat when it hits the water because otherwise, we should be calling the Navy.
I've had to wait for my fair share of late Uber drivers, but, I've never had to rescue mine from the middle of the ocean before.
This Person Has Their Life Together
There's this misconception that if you're driving Uber, you probably don't have your life together. That's not always the case. Sometimes Uber drivers have their life together and they just want to show you how much they have it together.
If you're installing this into your car for your customers, you're doing something right. No one is this organized without owning at least two successful businesses that are completely different from each other.
But, Sometimes They Don't Have It All Together
Do you ever have those mornings when you wake up and the whole world just looks different to you? All of a sudden the world is your oyster and there's no dream that seems out of reach. You just want to share your new found wisdom with the world.
You order an Uber just to talk to the Uber driver. You're the professor and he's the student. This one turned into waterworks, but it's still hilarious.
Can you imagine if there was an option to take an Uber that had kids in the back seat to keep you company the whole time? I can't tell if that would be a disaster or the best idea in the world.
Either you'd get in and have an exhilarating conversation about the existence of dinosaurs, or the kid would be a savage and tell you that you're very ugly.
The one downside of Uber is that they have surge pricing which means that their prices differ depending on how busy they are. I'm just going to assume that if your Uber is going to cost you $18 grand, it's at least a Friday or Saturday night.
Either that, or it's a zombie apocalypse and everyone is scrambling to get out of the country. Mark my words, when the zombie apocalypse comes, surge prices are going to be huge.
Tough Crowd, Tough Crowd
When you decide to sign up to be an Uber driver, you're also signing up to be an entertainer. It's your job to ensure that your customers are stimulated enough to enjoy their ride with you. Sometimes that stimulation comes in the form of music, sometimes it's talking, and sometimes it's beatboxing.
Apparently, this rider didn't love the musical improvisation, but we have to give some respect to the driver who was trying his or her best.
I Summon You, David In A Red Toyota
It's so weird how times have changed so drastically. We went from not ever getting into a car with a stranger unless the car was yellow and said "TAXI" in big upper case letters on the side.
Now, we rely on strangers to get from point A to point B almost every day. We don't need any vetting, we just assume they're going to be taking us to the place we need without killing us. Weird.
Pigeons Aren't Exempt From Road Rage Outbursts
If you've never been in the car with someone who suffers from chronic and impulsive road rage, you're probably the one with chronic and impulsive road rage. It's not ideal to have an Uber driver who is constantly flipping the bird, to literal birds.
It's one thing to yell at someone who just cut you off, it's another thing to scream at a bird whose only thoughts throughout the day revolves around where it's going to poop next.
Just because you're an Uber driver doesn't mean that you can't shoot your shot when you drive someone who tickles your fancy. This guy was sleepless for two nights thinking about what he was going to break the ice with, and it's safe to say that he fell flat.
First of all, don't use the number "2" as a substitute for actual grammar because it'll never work. We do have to give him some respect for trying though.
This Is Plain Brilliance
This is absolutely brilliant. If your Uber driver makes you also act in his short film in order to beat the system, you do it, especially if it's to get out of a parking ticket. Nothing ruins a day faster than getting a $40 ticket for parking somewhere without paying for 10 minutes.
Not going to lie, this would catch me off guard, but I'd be all in for this guy.
A Hands-On Ride
I'm not sure about you, but I'm all about Uber's being hands-off. I want to get into the back seat, sit there peacefully, maybe talk about the weather for a hot minute and then I want complete silence.
The last thing I, and literally every other rider would want, is to have to give our Uber driver a quick back massage to scrub in his IcyHot. That's not five-star treatment.
See, Famous People Drive Uber Too
If you've never been driven around by a local celebrity in an Uber, you're not taking enough of them. I mean, it's perfect face-to-face advertising for them to take you around. You're literally stuck in a car with them for at least five minutes which is just enough time to give the rider the pitch to why they should choose you to sell your house.
Also, with a name like Punch, you kind of have to be an Uber driver/real estate agent.
Is It Too Late To Cancel?
Getting into an Uber is already awkward enough. You are forced to have small talk with someone you've literally never met. I hate the weather normally, but I can't stop talking about the weather when I get into an Uber because it's something we can both relate to.
If you make this big of a mistake, it's not good. This is digging a deeper hole for your already cringeworthy ride just ahead.
They're Just People Too
Sometimes friendships can come from unlikely places. You have to remember that Uber drivers are just people, and they want to experience fun things too. What's the point of going to see the pyramids if you're going to do it alone?
I'll tell you right now, there is none. In the social media age, did you even go to see the pyramids unless you went with someone and acted like you were best friends? The quick answer is "no."
Yes, Yes, SO Much Yes
This might be an unpopular opinion (although I don't think it will be) but there should be animals in every Uber. You could be getting a ride to the courthouse to be sentenced and a dog looking at you like this would make it the happiest ride in the world.
Can we all just acknowledge that we don't deserve dogs? They're way too wholesome for us tainted human beings. Ugh.
I don't want to jump the gun and say that this is the best Uber anyone could possibly get into, but it's pretty close. Candy is great, but being able to play video games, specifically, NES which is barely kicking anymore is absolutely incredible.
Can you imagine being able to play the very first Super Mario on the way to the Dentist? Well, obviously this person can and I'm so jealous.
So this Uber driver was driving down the highway and wanted to show off to his new passengers. He said, "watch this" and sped up while trying to do a burnout but it didn't work out, at all.
He ended up hitting the cement under the overpass which makes for one awkward conversation. Do you have to call another Uber? Do you get reimbursed for the one you just took? Do you get to sue for a lot of money? How does that work?
That's Some Dedication
It's pretty easy to spot who's dedicated to being an Uber driver. You can usually just tell by their enthusiasm when they pick you up, and that's good enough. But, if they have Uber cut into the back of their head, that's an entirely different level of dedication.
This is a frightening amount of love for driving Uber and it should probably worry the riders. No one should enjoy taxiing people around this much. orry bro.
Just Needed To Clear His Head
Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you need to take a drive to clear your head? It's one of the best tools to use if you're about to make an irrational decision and you need time to process what you're about to do.
But, if you're drunk (which is when your emotions and actions are the most irrational) you can't drive. This person called an Uber and literally made them drive in circles. It's kind of smart.
He's Not Wrong?
Let's be honest, if hell is real, there are going to be a lot more of us going there than we might originally think. Life is full of sin, and basically all sins are tempting in their own right.
If you only sin once a day, you're basically a saint. Most of us can safely say that when the devil and the man upstairs battle it out on your shoulders, the devil wins 90% of the time. We need all the practice for hell that we can have.
The Self- Driving Uber
Can we just talk about how scary self-driving cars are? Uber has started to incorporate them into their business and it's terrifying. Imagine getting into a car without a driver? What if it malfunctions and drives you into the nearest lake?
What if the invisible person driving your car doesn't like the self-dialogue that you're having with yourself and decided to drive into oncoming traffic to end its misery? These are all things we have to consider.
Did We Just Become Boyfriend And Girlfriend?
For whatever reason, whenever someone looks at you through the front mirror, it always seems way more sensual than it was probably intended. It's almost like when you watch a movie and a sex scene comes on while your parents are in the room and you make eye contact.
Even though the intent was just to make sure that they are as uncomfortable as you, it comes off as flirty no matter what.
Well, That Ruined My Day
There are a lot of times that we long for the warmth of another person. When you're laying on the couch in the fetal position all alone wishing that someone else was with you, or when you're freezing cold standing at the bus stop wishing everyone would huddle together to keep warm.
But, I don't want to feel someone's body heat when I get into an Uber. As I mentioned before, I want my Uber's to be hands-free.
Seth With The Power Move
In a way, being a deaf Uber driver would be ideal. You don't have to pretend to not listen to the conversations that the drunk girls you're driving home from the bar are having.
You also don't have to listen to the crappy music that gets played as soon as you hand over the AUX cord to the passenger. You can just be in your own little world which sounds like a great thing to have.
"Dress For The Job You Want"
It's really important that you dress for the job that you want. I guess in this Uber driver's case, it's less about dressing up, and more about making the sound effects of being a race car driver.
It would be a bit anti-climactic if he was doing this while driving in the city going 35 mph tops, but I guess you do what you have to do to live out your dream.
Choose Your Own Adventure
Honestly, this should be mandatory in every Uber that you ride in. I know I've said that about a lot of things (I still stand by it for candy and video games) but this might even be more important.
Giving your passengers the option to choose what kind of ride they want is essential. I think you'd be surprised to see how many people actually want a creepy ride.
It's All About Relating
If you're an Uber driver and you do end up having to talk to your passenger, you need to be relatable. When talking about what you like and don't like, start with big generalities so that you have a better chance of saying something the rider will like.
For example, if you say you hate Justin Bieber, you'll probably get a great response. If you say your favorite food is pizza, chances are there's is too.